Day 6

Wedding last night felt surprisingly easy – had a pang as I walked in, a very boozie bestie was pushing ALL the free wine on us (free wine= harder to resist! The Scot in me😂) but was fleeting and when it was gone I had not one thought about it. AND, ok I did enjoy myself ish. I especially enjoyed driving home from central London in 40mins instead of navigating tube systems late at night in double the time. Woke up with that amazing clarity again, fuck me that’s an amazing motivator! Still feel relief overall – ‘oh! I don’t HAVE to drink! – I can enjoy occasions without it?!’

My boy goes back to work tomorrow, that’s the final end to this holiday. I’ve prepped the fridge with healthy food and a selection of alcohol free beverages to compare and contrast.

Tonight’s challenge (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I NEED A NIGHT IN) is pizza out with a close friend. Usually we’d at least halve a bottle here. Hopefully my little saviour Becks Blue will be on offer. The last 5 years eating out is actually just me wondering when the wine is coming- I literally get HUNGRY and destructed for it and consequently I’m not sure I’ve been the best friend to many for a good while. I’ve not been sleeping with other people’s men or causing drunk dramas etc but if I’m honest I haven’t been LISTENING. It might date back to the days of starving myself, then necking wine to quash hunger & anxiety then eating little when the wine calories kicked in and my mind seemed to quiet down. Problem was that always seemed to awaken the wild in me. Maybe ended late in a tragic club, me becoming obnoxious/bitchy/flakey (all at once maybe!), or throwing up my secret home binge in a toilet. The last was the most upsetting and made me desperately sad and shameful. I think shame is a bit of a fucktard in terms of the internal damage it’s done me. It’s like rotting from the inside out, like day by day I could feel my heart getting darker, each of the 4 rooms slowly closing up shop.

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