Might be time to invest in Becks Blue guys. Serious increased sales going on there right now! On my 3rd of the evening. Oh yeah. Things have gotten shitty the past few days.
My twin sister tells me it’s the full moon. I’m also on day 2 of the monthly female bloodfest including all the emotional ups & downs that come with, and I can’t take a holiday from my negativity with my best friend Wine, i just have to take it like a little bitch. It’s relentless.
Today was one of those shitty bitty nothing goes right days. Boring life shit, car breaks, all pans for day go out window as heavily reliant on travel day. Let various people down with changed plans (including both sisters!) Spend hours on the internet for ‘work research’ but instead end up comparing myself to others, feeling like a failure and losing any bit of will power I had. I thought about wine, I thought about eating a shit load of food and throwing it up. Just so I could ease the feelings a little, a distraction or release. I didn’t do wither which i’m incredibly proud of. I guess that’s an achievement for today if nothing else. I marie-condo’d some drawers and had a bath. My partner returned from work and I feel much calmer now.
The thing is I’m in a transitional period. I purposefully got myself here to press pause and make some decisions about where I want my life to go next. I have a specific and rare skillset so If i’m clever and get my shit together I could get onto something great. The next few weeks are about playing with ideas, formulating plans and goals – sounds so fun doesn’t it?! Today it felt over whelming and like i didn’t deserve to be ‘off work’. I was in my pity hole of asking – why, poor me, i’m so shit and rubbish- what’s the point of it all?! (answers on a postcard pls…). I can’t stand that my head goes there. Im trying to train it out of there, but my pathways know that place exists and now they go there by default and I gotta learn how re wire the fucker!
I did have a text from a boozy friend who’d also given up on the 1st and he’d not touched a drink yet, i’m so happy for him. I can smell an addictive personality a mile off and he’s the best kind of trouble. Proud of him for getting this far. Proud of me. Patience eh? Patience with myself. All is as it should be……And I’m on my god dam fucking period ok?!