88 days sober.

the last 88 days have been the most productive, most clear, most important of my life. And that’s with a global health crisis going on! So before thoughts on Covid life, a little catch up:

Here’s some examples of glorious magical happenings since last post…

  • asked bf to marry me. He said yes!
  • sold our house
  • almost bought 2 separate houses but lost them both and didn’t lose my shit over either of them….. no drink… no tears..just some quiet time and gentle reminders to self that i have a roof i have food, i have health all the rest is bonus ( still awaiting sale of this house right to complete, watch this space)
  • shifted career paths and have made some great progress along the new path, with no regrets so far
  • said no to many things i haven’t wanted to do – i’d have almost certainly said yes prior, out of insecurity.
  • bought a new car! A task on the list for years just never got round to it

I’ve had small yearnings don’t get me wrong. BF wanted to make a seafood dish with white wine in it & although i didn’t refuse – i was hoping he wouldn’t include it, I’m afraid it’d open a can of worms that im having a great time forgetting about. Luckily he didn’t – crisis averted, for now.

When lockdown began i had a day or 2 where a thought circled, ‘what if i just started drinking again – all the rules have gone to pot anyway’ but it lingered for all of a second and was gone.

We don’t keep wine in the house – wine is my poison! Sooner or later i’ll have to deal with that- i’ve my becks blues, and now some impressive seedlip gins to sustain me. I’m not sure how well this would be without them though. Wine in the house is the next hurdle.

BF asks occasionally if i’ll go back to drinking a glass or 2 anytime, and i say ‘maybe’. This is the short answer. The long one goes like this, ‘Im afraid i will, but I don’t want to. I like wine too much. I’ve lost many evenings to it, many good moods & productive hours. It’s cost me so much, emotionally. I’d have to pretend all over again that i wasn’t secretly thinking about when would be an appropriate time to open a bottle. Then feel guilty about having it outside of those times. I’d be giving up all this amazing internal discovery – and for what?’ 1 drink really does nothing anyway. I don’t think i’ll tell him that for a while. I know he’s seeing the positive change in me, so maybe he’ll stop asking?

My only thing, and it’s happened twice since jan, when the partner gets proper bladdered, i can’t bear it. He slurs, he stumbles, lies about how drunk he is and i get irritated and mad. Then we argue, which as we all know is the WORST when one has had a drink. Why am i finding it so hard to accept? why don’t i find it cute?! I’ve been brought up with this type A, heavily work based attitude, and i’ve always felt drinking was for the weak & sad (me, like 6 months ago). Although this is partially true, there are those humans (like partner) who drink because its fun, its sociable, and ya know..,. ITS FUN. It could be funny if he comes home leathered – i’m going to have a long hard talk to myself next time he’s drunk and really channel my inner emphatic self and get on board with the lols of drunkeness. Open to ideas and comments from people on this – does anyone have solutions or explanation for my reation?

As far as coronavirus sober life, the day we went on lockdown i set myself some daily work (it’s very creative in nature so allows for some proper time ‘in flow’ to forget the outside world). If i do my tasks, call my family and stick to a daily structure, i forget the fear, the news the scrolling through my phone and the possibility of succumbing to a drink. If i don’t do the task, i feel fear, i scroll, i entertain sadness and drinking. It’s a good excercise in thought control.

Sometimes i think if i was dying with days left, would I have been wasting my last days doing these work tasks/cuddling my dog/calling family and hanging with my partner? Nah. It’s simple but that’s what i enjoy doing the most, my creative work, cuddling my dog, my partner my family.

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