A house move, a relapse & happy new year.

It’s been almost a year since i’ve written. I stopped blogging because I was getting busy w some great work projects and exploration, and really just finding sobriety easy and wonderful…

Q relapse June 16th. The day before we moved the neighbours threw us a party and pulled out the magnum of champagne – I was too polite/weak, to decline – ‘we were celebrating weren’t we?!’. I had 4/5 glasses with some cigarettes.. (I don’t smoke anymore, but always fancy one with a drink). We had fun and i felt quite level about it, ran it off in the morning, moved house and cracked on with our new life. However now with our new garden, the pull of long hot summer evenings and rose’s crips pink icy antidote, i decided a few on the weekends would be fine. It was really, I can’t say i didn’t enjoy it. Partner and I went to Rome for the weekend in August when lockdown was ended & UK at it’s most liberal again, and the wine – isn’t it mandatory in Rome?!

The drinking continued like this until late winter – moderate and absolutely within what the NHS recommend, then Party season hit. After 2 months of heavy work load & then a 2 week burn out phase (not an excuse, just how the events happened) I was drinking a glass most nights in November, looking forward to it, hanging my day upon it. Plus I’d made a deal with myself to quit again in jan, so why not hey?

The problem for me is that over time as i drank last year, the need for it and the anxiety after it grew. What started as a few drinks in June became a daily thing by November and I was less stable, my inner dialogue was less calm and kind (I’m quite the unpleasant bitch to myself when i want to be!) I got less done, which is a big one for me. I lose time to it, all the long baths and books I’d been enjoying, there wasn’t as much time, or quality time. Drinking is like pressing pause on your reality and when you wake you’ve literally lost life.

I haven’t drunk since Jan 1st. It’s easier this time, I’ve practised this before, I know what to expect and how to handle it. 2 weeks in and my brain was sharp again! I’ve missed that so much. I don’t crave at all yet, but I dread the summer without it.

This lockdown means there’s no weekends with friends & family to be had. I’m sorry to say I drink in both situations due to ease the anxiety, not for any worthy reason like the fun of it. When it comes to a close will i drink again? You’d think from a post like this I’d be answering my own question but i’m not sure. Wine in Rome, a glass of red in the pub w Sunday lunch, they are the joys of life? Maybe I’ll be seasonal, a summer drinker, but life was getting to sweet up until the point i quit last time, i’d like to see beyond 5 & 1/2 months – I hope I have the strength.

I’ll be blogging about it if i relapse again, I think it will help me with accountability. Maybe that’s the real reason I didn’t return. But i’m here now, tail between legs and sharper brained.

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